I made it to the Ballroom at around 8:30 as the couple in line ahead of me fumbled with their IDs. The bouncer announced to them and everyone else within the sound of his voice, which was just really, the couple in front of me, me… and my wife… anyway, the bouncer announced, “First act goes on at 9pm, headliner at 10pm, and there’s limited seating.” The couple contemplated aloud whether they’d go in now or come back closer to 10 while I just tried to interpret “limited seating.”

I’ve been going to shows at The Bowery Ballroom since they opened it in the mid-1800’s, or whenever the fuck that was… and many times, during a performance, I thought, I’d be enjoying this a lot more if there were seats. It’s not just that I’m lazy; you just don’t need to “rock out, with your cock out” as “the kids” say… do “they” still say that? Anyway, you don’t need to rock out to Kiki & Herb… or Antony and the Johnsons. Seats would have really helped me at those shows. My legs, they got tired. But I wasn’t sure, having never seen Joan As Police Woman before, would seats help me in my enjoyment of this show? Apparently someone thought so.

With only a handful of people through the doors before us, we sat ourselves in the first row of slender plastic folding chairs. Checking the time revealed it was 9:03. I thought they promised the show would begin at 9:00, and here it was 9:03! If you can’t believe listed set times, what can you believe in?

Two minutes later opening act, Chris Gameau took the stage. And then it began. Plastic folding chairs began folding under the asses of some of their occupants. People screamed, some sickos laughed as the bodies hit the floor. KAY-RACK! THUMP-THUMP! The cries of anguish from those on the ground, and the sounds of awe from some, and amusement of others accompanied by the splashes of beers spilled and flesh meeting hardwood floors overpowered Chris Gameau’s band. It became hard to enjoy their performance, as you feared, “Will my chair be next?” Staff rushed about picking people off the flooring, wiping up the beer with hand towels.

Before Joan As Police Woman took the stage, the club requested everybody get off of the dodgy chairs. Safety first!

All right then, now that we were safe from the treacherous chairs, about Joan As Police Woman. Let’s see. Um. Front woman Joan Wasser split her performance from behind a piano… a purple Baldwin that she seemed captivated by, informing the audience that she felt like she’s finally “made it” having received this purple custom piano… and her guitar. Her voice was at times perhaps reminiscent of Barbara Streisand? And maybe I have some psychic connection with Joan, because right as I came to that conclusion she asked the audience if anyone had recently seen the Babs vehicle, The Way We Were. Weird, right? Maybe not. But please don’t let my Barbara Streisand comparison turn you off, because it really was the perfect show for a Tuesday night after a sensible dinner… while being completely sober.

Joan As Police Woman is not music for a night of shit-faced debauchery. It’s rock and roll at a reasonable hour… rock and roll at a reasonable decibel. But would you call Rufus Wainwright rock and roll? Because Joan As Police Woman would fit nicely on a bill with Rufus, and in fact I’ve just read that they have shared a stage. But do we really have to label and tag every artist? Can’t you people just enjoy a performer without asking, “What kind of music is this?” But I’ve recently seen the title Adult Alternative thrown around… I think that would stick to Joan As Policewoman. All right then? Adult Alternative.

In conclusion, it was the perfect event to follow a sensible meal of Asian fare. Her songs kind of reminded of a more rock and roll Carpenters. All right, so there you go! Joan As Police Woman is more rock and roll than The Carpenters, less than G.G. Allin. And she’s much politer than G.G. too. Rather then flinging doo-doo at somebody for using an iphone or some other new obnoxious gadget to snap her photo (with electronic camera shutter noises no less!), she simply stopped her song and said something to the effect, of “Awww sweetie, I appreciate that you want to take my photo, but can’t you do it without the noise?” When the girl photog announced it was new, and she didn’t know how to make it stop, Joan just said, “Yeah. Technology can be confusing.” And then closed her eyes and sang one of the most beautiful songs I ever heard . . . no doody launched at the crowd.

So, yes have a very adult alternative evening with Joan As Police Woman! You can “rock out” some other time. Then again at your age you might break a hip. All right my age. I don’t know how old you are. Then again, look it Iggy. Maybe I’m not too old to rock and roll. But that doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy a nice quiet show from the comfort of a questionable chair does it?–D.W. Friend